Blue Who?
by Yappatan
Summary: The Akatsuki need a new member and it looks like there aren't enough men to join the group so they have decided to take on a female member. This is the account of her introduction to the group... At breakfast.


For a group of S Class Bingo Book Criminals, the Akatsuki sure lost a lot of guys. Fifty percent of losses could be attributed to Kakuzu, but the rest were full on ninja beat downs. This was beginning to become a problem seeing as there is only a limited amount of S Class Bingo Book Criminals in the world.

It was firmly laid out in the early years of the Akatsuki that this would be the boys' club, absolutely no girls allowed. Like come on, a group of 9 guys with one girl? What a distraction! No girls. Statistically speaking, the amount of women who rank up with the guys in the Akatsuki is rather low. That made the task of avoiding women much easier.

Little did Sir Leader know is that one day they would have to take on a female member out of necessity. Things were starting to heat up on the Jinchuuriki front and they had to start capturing these feared beasts and sealing them. Both tasks required immense ammounts of chakra to do and 8 members would just not cut it.

Sir Leader looked high and low and wide to find the best criminals, even if it meant busting them out of prison. But seriously, what kind of S Class Bingo Book Criminal would be locked up in jail. LOL. None. Where did Sir Leader find this blue haired, poofy flowered lady? Well, details are sketchy but sources say it wasn't in the Grass country.

"Guys. I have finally found the dead guy's replacement," Sir Leader joyfully announced.

This barely caught the attention of the other five nins sitting around the breakfast table and the sixth sort of off to the side because he's too big and doesn't eat anything besides nutritional suppliments. There was a bit of mumbling and Kakuzu could be heard grumbling about having to pay for a uniform and the rising prices of silk and red dye.

"I know you don't care. But you should meet her."

Her? Oh, that word turned a few heads.

"A GIRL?" they all shouted.

"Yes, a girl."

"Leader-sama, I thought you stated that we weren't going to hire any girls, un," said Deidara.

"Well, Deidara, in case you haven't noticed, it's extremely hard to find nins with high enough skill to join the organization. I thought I would broaden our scope."

"Alright. But she better be good."

Sir Leader left the room to retrieve the new member. Kisame turned around to Deidara, "What the fuck do you mean good? She better not be better than me."

That got a few "Mmhms" out of approval. "No, Kisame. I don't mean better than us guys, just good, un. Not like Tobi or something."

Kisame had nothing further to say and finished his breakfast.

Sir Leader came back to the room and excitedly began to introduce the new member of Akatsuki. "DUN DUN DUN! Here she comes!"

And in stepped the lady. "OH MY GOD! Like I am so excited to meet you all. I can't wait to start working with you! Oh my god, Sir Leader thingy, I'm like, oh my god, like, um, like, OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED!"

"Sir Leader, I respect your judgement, but seriously WHAT THE FUCK?" asked Kakuzu.

"Kakuzu, she's just excited. Just wait five minutes, she'll calm down once she gets used to the new surroundings."

"Okay, but when she pisses on the rug. I'm not cleaning it up."

"Oh my god, you're so funny. What was it again, Kakuzu, right?" the woman asked.

"Yeah, stop talking to me. I'm trying to eat. I've gotta finish quickly there is this guy I'm trying to track down... and kill. He's worth a bundle!"

"Oh wow! That sounds so fascinating! You'll have to take me bounty hunting with you sometime!"

"Uh sure, sometime..." Kakuzu said and returned to eating his sugar crisp and reading his newspaper.

"Like, that would be totally awesome. My ex-boyfriend was this bounty hunter but like he got arrested because he was dealing on the side. And he was like 'Babe, you gotta hold onto my cash until I get out of prison. It's in account number 459843 at the National Trust bank and like I'll see you in 25!' and I was like 'OK BABY! I'll make sure nothing happens to it.' I don't spend much of it, but like when there are the perfect designer shoes, like I just have to have them."

Kakuzu's spoon dropped out of his hand as he stared at this girl. '459834' he repeated in his head about twenty times. "You _must_ come bounty hunting with me. Then drinks."

"OH AWESOME!" Blue clasped her hands together in glee.

Then she quieted down and whispered to the Leader, "Oh my god, what's that lumpy thing over there. Why do you have the couch covered in a cloack?"

That lumpy thing shifted and Blue screamed. "That's no couch. That's Sasori of the Red Sand. Just don't talk to him, he doesn't like to be bothered. Plus when girls talk to him it's like WHOOSH, just goes right past him. Like he's deaf or something."

"Oh my god, hi Sasori!" it was like she was deaf or something.

"Sh. Sshh! SSHHHH!" went Deidara, a mighty hung over Deidara.

"Oh hi there! What's your name? You have pretty hair."

"Thank you, un. I make sure to take good care of it. It's like a work of art. Thank you, un."

Any positive mention of his hair could cheer up Deidara, pounding headache or whatever.

"You're welcome. We should totally trade styling tips."

"Yeah, un."

Blue picked a flower from her bag and put it in her hair. "Upgrade or downgrade?"

"Upgrade, un."

"Ooh, thank you! I think upgrade too! It's so hard to find nins with great style. They're all too caught up in fighting to give a damn."

"I know, un! It's like they can't care for their own apperance, take Tobi there for example. How lazy is that, un? He wears a mask and covers up completely, it's just so _uncreative_."

"Deidaaaaara," Sasori drawled, "at least Tobi's style is manageable. Remeber when we were fighting in the Snow Country and you went to aim your explosives and your hair got in your face and you BLEW OFF MY TAIL."

Tobi, who was sweeping the floors, turned around and waved to Sasori.

"Hmph. You know that you shouldn't stand so close to explosives, un. Serves you right! Besides, it was such an amazing display of art!"

"Art that destroys _my_ art is not art."

Blue turned to Sir Leader and gave him a weird look and twirled her finger around, "They're so weird... Is that guy a shark?"

"No, that's Kisame."

"Oh, OH. I've heard of you! You're Hoshigaki Kisame from the Seven Shinobi Swordsmen of the Mist."

"Ah, yes," Kisame said smiling. Most missing nins don't wish to be recognized, except for Kisame Hoshigaki. A little ego stroking always helped to curry favour with Kisame. Enemy or friend, it doesn't matter. Forgetting his face could easily demote friend to enemy.

"WOOOW! Your sword looks really heavy, can I hold it?"

"Well, that's if you can even pick it up. Heh heh."

"Oh lord, here he goes again," groaned Itachi.

"Oh, we'll see about that. Let me try."

"Be careful, Samehada doesn't like the hands of others, but you never know. He may like yours."

"Ooh, ooh, ooh. I think he'll like mine."

Blue walked up to Kisame who was holding out his sword. Before she grabbed the sword from him Kisame whispered to it, "Now, damnit. Don't fucking hurt her. I think I've got a chance with her! You know how hard it is for me to pick up chicks. You'll love her!"

Samehada quivered.

"Just because I'm a girl it doesn't mean I'm weak. You don't have to hold it up for me."

"Oh.. okay," whimpered Kisame. He was sweating bullets. _'Stupid sword, don't you prick her!'_

"Oh wow, it really is heavy. I'll just grab it by the handle, that might make it easier to stand up."

"DON'T!"

"Why not?"

"Just don't. Don't touch the handle. It doesn't like to be touched by anyone other than me."

"..."

"Just give me the sword back," Kisame said bluntly. Blue grabbed the handle.

"AAH!" Blue screamed.

Samehada's barbs popped out and stabbed Blue in the hand. "SON OF A BITCH! LIKE WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH YOUR SWORD?"

"It's made to only respond to my chakra!"

"Christ, you could've told me that before, Jeez!"

Kakuzu got up. "Let me see your hand. I was a medic-nin back in the day. I'll fix that up for you."

Kakuzu took her by the hand and bandaged it up and did some healing jutsu and she was good to go. Blue stuck her tongue out at Kisame who gave a dirty look back. Kakuzu gave him a grin that just said "I'm winning." and also about three other things that need not be said. You can figure it out for yourself, oh most intelligent reader.

Blue wasn't so chipper now. "What's up with the Venus Fly Trap."

"That's Zetsu," Sir Leader said, "Don't talk to him either. He's a little off."

Zetsu was sitting at the table staring at the sweeping Tobi with hunger in his eyes. "Tobi is a good boy," he said.

_"Tobi is a bad boy. I'm testing you Tobi, you're too easily distracted. Get back to your job, slave."_

"Yes, Zetsu, senpai," Tobi replied joyfully.

"He's mean," said Blue.

"Well, he's half mean."

"Half?"

"Zetsu has multiple personalities, approximately two. One is evil, one is good. They both get equal say in matters. I find it quite entertaining. Some of the other guys haven't gotten used to it."

"Wow. Shouldn't he be in like a mental institution or something?"

"Probably, but he would escape."

"Huh? What is he like Houdini or something?"

"Kind of. I don't know how he does it, I haven't quite gotten it figured out, but somehow Zetsu can travel by land, through land. It's amazing."

During that short speech Zetsu waddled over. "Hello, beautiful." Zetsu said.

"Why thank y.."  
_  
"You know that flower is a rather rare one and is __illegal to pick. You should be arrested."_

"What, I gre.."

"It's a beautiful flower, compliments your skin amazingly."

Zetsu stroked her face. Blue blushed, "Thank you! Um... I like your hair?"

"Hm... I can tell you don't mean that. I'm not offended..."

"Oh good! I just want to be friends."

_"Excuse me! Friends don't interrupt friends. Where was I? Oh yes, talking about how I wasn't offended. Hmph! Not any more. As long as you're in the Akatsuki I'm going to make your life a living hell, bitch."_

"OH NO YOU DIDN'T! Oh my god, Zetsu, like you're worse than the girls in school. That is so grade 7 of you! But if you want to like fight, then I'll fight back. You're an even bigger bitch!"

_"Bring it on,"_ Zetsu said and then started walking out of the kitchen.

"Tobi, come with!"

Tobi scurried after Zetsu, "I'm so sorry. Hi! I'm Tobi. I'm a good boy. I have to go or else Zetsu-san will be mad. Nice to meet you."

"Aw you're cute, nice to meet you!"

"TOBI IS A CUTE BOY!"

He waved and left. "Now who's left to introduce, you've talked to Kakuzu, Deidara, Kisame, Zetsu and Sasori, albeit indirectly, but yeah. I think that's all of us."

"Um, I heard there was a guy named Orochimaru in this group. Where's he?"

"Orochimaru. Don't make me laugh! That one defected years ago. We hate him Therefore, you hate him. If you see him, KILL HIM. Got that."

"Gotten."

"Excellent. Now how about some breakfast?"

"Wait, like, who is the one with the black hair. He's kind of hot."

"That's Itachi."

"Good morning," Itachi said without a trace of emotion.

"Good morning. You seem a bit more normal than the other guys."

"When I was 13 I killed my entire family but spared my little brother. I want him to kill me. I want to die... So badly."

"Wow, I'll stay away from you. I dated a really unstable guy once. Like, we were going to go all the way and then he started crying and was like 'Mommy, mommy hurt me bad, hurt me hard' and I was like 'OH MY GOD NO, EW!' and I kicked him out."

"You probably damaged him further," Itachi replied.

"Oh my god, I didn't even think about that. I feel bad now."

"A good ninja feels no emotion. What was his name?"

"Shinji Yoshid--"

"He died."

"How do you know."

"I. Just. Do. MANGEKYO SHARINGAN!"

"Ohkaaay... Leader-sama can you show me how to seal the bijuus?"

"Of course... You really want to get away from this freak parade don't you."

"YES!"

The two walked out of the room and the rest of the guys sitting at the table began to clean up and leave as well. Deidara then spoke up, "I think that she'll fit in just fine." 


End file.
